I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
