Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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