and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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