Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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