He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I wish there were birth control emojis
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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