im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
