I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
They are going to name an STD after you.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
