Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
