Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
