Swine flu. Run for my life!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
