if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I hope mine doesn't look like that
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
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