I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
