I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
