I'm lost and stupid without you.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My balls are so social today.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
