At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
