Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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