Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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