why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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