oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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