I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
