she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
