So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
