Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
