made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
