I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
