So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
So much rum. So many feels.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
