Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
