just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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