I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it was like his penis was on wheels.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
