you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
