I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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