i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
