I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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