neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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