No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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