her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
