And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
