who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
