Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
