i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
