you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
