life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
