My Higher Power is John Stamos
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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