I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
