Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
