just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just gift wrapped bread.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
