my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
