Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
