i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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