it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
