Don't make out with my wife yet
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
