i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
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