I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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