She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
